9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
