I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think my vagina is haunted
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
