I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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