I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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