And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
