Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
