Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
