cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
