Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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