i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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