so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I want her autograph on my taint
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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