I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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