quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
