happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
