I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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