so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
