I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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