i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
