You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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