so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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