Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
