god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
