vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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