I could make wine with my vomit
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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