he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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