just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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