so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
