There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
