i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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