Cold hands, warm shart.
In the future we'll all be gay
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
