you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
