after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Randomize
