we have officially mastered the walk of shame
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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