his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
