my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
third nipple confirmed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
