I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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