it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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