Capitaan dildo arrescate!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
