you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize