If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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