shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
