Non-Jews are for practice
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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