If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
