I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
