what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
