You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize