make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
