If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
