Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize