best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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