Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
