its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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