The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
