I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
