you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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